TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are conversing Damascus, town historically known for ancient society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be great. Huge!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed within the Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Some of the best. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and completely away from location. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable h2o. But yes, sure, let's have A further location exactly where American Adult males can wear robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While earlier negotiations unsuccessful less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: offer you Anyone a collection over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is gentle power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It isn't that Trump should not open a tower in the war zone. It really is that he ought to halt using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the challenge, replied, "You know, man, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent persons. Good tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential proof storage" and "occasional Trump Tower Damascus brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from Room, a element remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… properly, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after acquiring the making's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not just unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Complicated Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest aspect of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where by attendees may ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "In case you Bomb It, They may Come"


The advertisement campaign, a short while ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Without end."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "exactly where's the closest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is presently attracting interest from Global traders, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will likely consist of:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait to find out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a lodge exactly where my PTSD may have turn-down support."


One more post from @KuwaitiKardashian just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to construct a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Final Ideas through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It desired gold. It required a waterslide formed similar to the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You're welcome."

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